


Zsasz the Pizza Hitman

by 19_dish_soaps



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Butch is very tired, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Gotham Crack, Legion of horribles being idiots, Pizza, Zsasz is a pizza delivery guy, crackfic, pizza delivery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:29:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/19_dish_soaps/pseuds/19_dish_soaps
Summary: When the legion ordered a pizza, they did not expect notorious hitman Victor Zsasz to show up in a Dominoes uniform.
Relationships: Jerome Valeska & Oswald Cobblepot, Oswald Cobblepot & Victor Zsasz, Victor Zsasz & Butch Gilzean, Victor Zsasz & Jerome Valeska
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Zsasz the Pizza Hitman

**Author's Note:**

> There is no reason for this to exist but it does

"Butch, could you answer  
door? I think it's the pizza."

Butch sighed and stood up from the couch of the front parlour. The rest of the legion sat around him, discussing possible ways to annoy the GCPD while they waited for Jerome's plan to take place. 

He opened the door to a man with his uniform cap on backwards.

"Hi, that'll be 27.50..." The man trailed off when he looked up from his phone. "Butch?"

Butch took a closer look at the mans face. "Zsasz?"

Neither one moved for a second. 

"So...you deliver pizza now?" 

"Yep. Hitman business has been kinda rocky lately so me and the 'ettes thought we should get in somewhere else before things go south," he said. 

If one were to watch this scene on mute without subtitles, it would look like this was a perfectly normal conversation and not a hitman talking with his previous torture victim about him and his "cult but with benefits" delivering pizza. 

Butch wasn't helping either, as he was just leaning against the doorway with the most awkwardly pained look anyone could dream of. 

As Zsasz finished, Jerome marched into the hall. "Why in God's name is this taking so long?"

Butch pointed at Zsasz, who was growing increasingly confused.

Jerome huffed and turned back to the still-open door to the parlour. "Bird Dad! Disco Uncle's here!"

"Bird Dad..." Zsasz mumbled to himself. His eyes widened. "Oh hell no-"

Before he could finish, Oswald came storming out in his black and white dressing gown and penguin slippers (Jerome bought them as a joke and was highly disappointed when Oswald loved them). "What is the meaning of this?"

Zsasz waved. "Hey, friendo. How ya been?"

"...I'm going to kill you."

Oswald ran at him as though he genuinely thought he could take it, before Jerome caught him by his collar. 

"Ah-ah-ah, Ozzie. The man has food." He looked Zsasz up and down. "He could also kick your ass."

Butch snorted, but silenced himself when Oswald looked at him the same way Fries looked at himself. 

"Here. Just..." Jerome pulled Oswald's wallet out of his pocket and handed Zsasz a fifty. "Keep the change."

"Uh, thanks." There was silence for a moment after he gave away the pizzas. 

"Are we done here, or...?"

"Yeah, sure, see ya later kid. Just-" Zsasz sighed. "Disco Uncle? Really?"

"Be thankful you're not Zombie Dad," Butch said as he closed the door. 

"Bye, funkytown!" Jerome shouted before it shut.

**Author's Note:**

> This was entirely inspired by THE ONLY GOOD VILLAINS, a chatfic by batveins. Y'all should read it it's amazing.


End file.
